More and more, license plates are becoming the new billboard. It has moved from the side of the roadway onto the roadway. It’s not surprising, though, because in a nation in which people’s relationship problems, deep, dark secrets and indiscretions are being blabbed to millions of viewers on national talk shows, increasingly we seem compelled to make all sorts of public declarations.
 
How else do you explain the fact that the State of Florida offers 109 different “specialty” plates, on which you can proclaim everything from your support for the Miami Dolphins football team to a “Save the Wild Dolphins” effort? You also can announce your affinity for a slew of colleges and universities; our armed forces; the arts; NASCAR, and of course, children.

In the State of Virginia, 16 percent of motor vehicles bear vanity plates, the most in the country. New Hampshire, the “Live Free or Die” state (also known as the “Give Me Vanity or Give Me Death” state), is right behind Virginia and Illinois, which issues the highest number of plates because of its larger population, is third. New York, whose roads seem to overflow with vanity, says that less than five percent of all the plates the DMV issues are paid-for mini-messages. If you want to win easy money, bet on this trend growing until every motorist is telling us something. What will yours say?

What do you make of a driver who pays for a plate that announces the make and model of his car—which the manufacturer had already affixed to the car for free? Like VVIPER, on a Dodge Viper? How about people who broadcast their line of work—like WATTSGO4 (on an electrical contractor’s van), INVEST 4U, MIXERMAN (he’s in cement), NY E CPA and PC DR. Do they think we’re going to pull them over and hire their services? If not, why pay to tell us that? And I love the people who want us to know their names—for example, PAM 127 or HARVEY 62 (the names have been changed to protect the innocent). That tells me either their weight or IQ’s, or that 126 Pams and 61 Harveys got their plates first. Maybe by telling us who they are, they want to be recognized by friends or solicited for dates. I can imagine the conversations that must take place when these vani-teers are stopped at a traffic light:

“Hey, Pam 127, that’s a cute plate ya got there. What does it mean, exactly?”

“Well, I gotta be me, but so did a lot of other Pams who had the idea before me.”

“So, what’re you doing later? Wanna go find those other Pams and rip the plates off their cars?”

“Love to, but I’m on my way to the DMV to get a new plate for my boyfriend’s car—JOE14076.”

I especially love (or loathe—I’m not quite sure) the plates that describe personality (DIVA-Z, NTSOMELO, PLANONIT), personal lives (LVSOPHIA, CJ 4 EVR, IRISH 1, OBISGRL, GODISINME), medical details (O BLOOD, DUBLLUNG) and hobbies/interests (3D BASE, JETLIFE, FISHWSH2, BIRDEMAN, 306PET, CTSNDGS, DARKJEDI, OFTHESUN, and my favorite, BIKRNANY).

I wouldn’t pay to say it, but there are a few I identify with, like BOOM R, CHEZHEAD, PETE MOTORS (on a Massachusetts car dealer’s vehicle), MOM DAD, Kristmas and GD2BFREE. A few make me laugh: WILMAAA and VIOLAGRL (like I didn’t know that Viola was a girl)—and more than a few have me scratching my head: 5 NAILS, DIPLOOD, 3JA CKALS, BBLLUURR (not while he’s driving, I hope) and FIIVE.

Personally, if I were going to invest in a vanity plate, I’d spend my money on something designed by license plate pop artist, Michael Kalish. Kalish makes art from license plates, which he considers American icons. His mixed-media collection includes wondrous pieces of Marilyn Monroe, Superman, the Rat Pack, Old Glory, the Statue of Liberty—an interesting concept, using icons to portray icons—as well as a Depression-era couple, bouquets, animals, auto accidents, skyscrapers and more.

Says art historian Keith Wheldon on Kalish’s Web site, “The automobile license plate functions as either an image or a symbol in Kalish’s work. Symbols are images that either evoke or represent an idea of emotion beyond itself. The license plate is also a widely acknowledged object associated with one of America’s greatest love affairs, the automobile.”

Wheldon goes on to say, “The use of colored-bent metal and the clear pattern of numbers and letters combined with clear outlines and shapes lends visual immediacy to Kalish’s work. The license plates themselves with their alphanumeric images are designed for ease of recognition and legibility…”

I’d rather commission Kalish to make a piece of license plate art than pay the DMV $68 bucks to make me one, and then a $50 annual fee thereafter. (Are you paying attention, ALL HERZ and TREASURE?) I’d own a one-of-a-kind that really plays to my vanity. Maybe something named PETESWHEELS, ROKNROLLR, DADOFLAWYR or MGAZINEEDTR. The images, well, I’d leave that up to Kalish. After all, that’s what I’m paying the big bucks for.

Peter Crescenti is the managing editor of this magazine.